October 31, 2012

Ring Chasing is Ridiculous



Imagine a student who has decided they want to go to Harvard. They keep an 'A' average, take the SAT 10 times for a perfect score, become President of the Student Council, and soccer team captain to appear well-rounded. Heck, let's say the student also plays the cello and is part of the City Youth Orchestra. Sounds good right? I would say this student sounds like Harvard material, but then there's that essay.

Essays in the application process, are equivalent to your personality. It is not about what you do at this point. It is about who you are. How will you handle that tough professor who is a little off from Vietnam, but is pure genius… at the same damn time. While I do not want to condemn another woman's efforts or missions, I have to say that sites like Single Wives Club lay out the mating process much like applying for the coveted institution of your choice, and that is quite misguided.

Much like acceptance into Harvard and the prestigious degree that comes with completion, marriage is an elusive ideal. Mind you, I said elusive, not unattainable. I understand the rose colored picture of marriage. Disney movies taught me well. The Huxtables taught me well. Dare I even say the Obamas are teaching me? However, the outcome of these teachings become muddled once a dose of "real-life" is added. Marriage is not measured in points or poker chips, so it ridiculous to go after it like a gold medal. Working on a parchment scroll of "Wifey Credentials" may sound like a good idea until you meet the Jay-Z to your Beyonce and realize he loves all the things about you Not on that list.

The same qualms I have about women who want to "Get Right" to get a ring, Steve Harvey's nonsense, and Tyrese on Twitter (since I'm listing grievances), is that the conversation is one-sided. I commend Hill Harper who writes books on how to build solid relationships, not some made up "Do this to get a man/woman" checklist. It saddens me that we as single women have accepted the challenge to fix relationships and decrease divorce rates with pole dancing classes. I hate to tell you ladies, but it takes two!

On the other side of the same coin, who are these advice givers?! Married women of 20 plus years? Married men who have only had 1 wife? I am sorry, but listening to someone who has broke all the rules, so "he knows what the rules are" is not very inspiring. If you can't tell by now, I am a fan of holistic views and self-assessment, not blanket statements and dated guidelines. I am not terribly religious, but most religious texts set guidelines, so why would I listen to celebrities again?

I love men. I dream of a life in love like most women. However, what I'm not going to do is dedicate my life to activities meant to snag a man. Everyone should want to improve themselves, not just for a man/woman, but for their family, their community, and their future livelihood. Goals are great, but what is the plan B? If you stack up all your credentials and are single at 40, then what? Will you cry yourself to sleep, declare all men are no good, or maybe just file a lawsuit against the White Women of America, because they stole all our men!

The rhetoric is tired. Fix yourself for you, love your girlfriends, and the man will come because you are the girl letting loose at the bar. Trust me, guys like fun girls. Wifeys tend to be stuck on appearances. Oop! See what I did there? Except a MAN actually told me that. In fact, every time I think of women giving other women advice I hear Dave Chappelle's voice, "100 Ways to Please Your Man, by Some Lady..." Anywho, happy days and good luck. :) 

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