September 27, 2013

13 Things Worse Than 300 Sandwhiches

This week brought us the heartwarming tale of a young woman standing by her man in the face of adversity, and by adversity I mean mild hunger. Stephanie Smith lifted the writer's veil to proclaim to the world that she was in fact behind 300sandwhiches.com and some 100-odd sandwhiches away from getting her catch of a boyfriend to ask for her hand in marriage. Even though Smith is an accomplished writer and journalist, she is going the distance to prove she is ready to jump the broom with her boyfriend, Eric Shulte, by making him 300 sandwhiches. (That is the recap for those who thought the Internet was talking about a Sparta remake.)

"To him, sandwiches are like kisses or hugs. Or sex. “Sandwiches are love,” he says." -Stephanie Smith via her New York Times post

Needless to say the feminists came for her. She unfortunately forgot that people take the Internet SERIOUSLY. I personally did not want to throw rocks at the woman, or blame her for setting back women a million years, but similar comments came unrelenting from people who most likely do not live in Smith's Brooklyn apartment. While I do not believe that this woman is so delusioned as to believe a proposal is something like a Guiness Book attempt, she is a living example of "I did it for love." At least in her case it has given her a new skill and product she could take to the bank. :)

NOW!!! I can think of 13 things that are completely useless if it doesn't end in "I Do," so here we go:

13) Going the distance -literally: Travelling for love is all well and good, when it's both ways. Don't be the woman who is the ONLY ONE doing a 4hr drive or flight twice a month. You will end up with bills, bills, bills, all by your damn self.

12) Putting on the pounds: Often times we hear about men who refuse to marry a woman who is over a size 6, but that is just half the story. Insecure men will want their women to look a certain way. Confident men will go with the flow. Pushing yourself to an unhealthy weight (whether stick figure or curvacious) is not cool. Just be you.

11) Only wearing rayon: Clothes should flatter you and make you feel good. If you meet a guy who only wants you in tight ridiculous items and no cotton- run away.

10) Speaking of clothes, giving up pants: I love a dress as much as a woman can. They are easy. However, I was bucked  really hard off a mechanical bull for trying to ride it in a dress (I had on tights), so obviously a man who doesn't want you to wear pants is trying to restrict your activities.

9) Joining the circus: I know a guy who's lady left to join the circus. The only way for it to work was for him to be a roadie. Needless to say, he's a tech guru in New York now.

8) Tatoo on your face: This has no redeeming anything! Just. No.

7) Being publically humiliated: This is completely relative. Although, think of something that isn't cool and someone saying you'll do it if you love me, and they put it on Youtube.

6) Impressing/Hosting their friends: Not wanting your partner to constantly embarrass you is one thing, (again relative, so if it's a problem you probably shouldn't be together). However, insisting that your partner play Stepford Wife to you and your friends at a moment's notice is rude and inconsiderate. Anytime someone does not value your time and worth, it's a big red flag.

5) Food Restrictions: If your partner is a diabetic and you are watching their sugar intake sure. Telling your partner they can't eat gummy bears because anything gummy is designed by the government to kill us... um. I'll let you figure that out by yourself.

4) Giving up electricity: Lifestyle changes are cool. In this particular instance you would probably have really strong arms from churnning things, but I'll pass.

3) No sex: Yes, this couple abstained before and AFTER marriage. Not knocking on religion, but all the married women I have talked to told me you should test drive before you buy the car. Ahem...

2) Anything Illegal: Have you seen Orange is the New Black? She carried a bag of drug money, once, ten years ago and got prison time. It's not cool, and if/when you make it out of prison everything will be different.

1) Taking a couple "Love Taps": I know you thought this was all jokes and giggles, but I have to end on a serious note and say a violent partner does not "get better" over time or with marriage. If he loves you like this now, he will love you to death, so go get some hot grits.

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