December 12, 2013

Don't Let the Holidays Oppress You:
4 Tips and Tricks to Navigate the Season While Single

"I don't understand the shock and awkward/judgy silence followed by my admission
that I don't go home often or for holidays. I feel like if I was a man this wouldn't be a thing.
New lies in rotation: I'm Jehovah's Witness or I'll be joining my bf's family."

That was actually a Facebook post I made around Thanksgiving. The thing about the Holidays is that they really stop being fun around your 13th birthday, (give or take 3 years). No one wants to admit this. After the big ticket gifts stop rolling in, you are supposed to be satisfied with just being thankful for family, life, and Hallmark cards. (Never mind that gratitude thing we should do all year.)

The more mature, young adult you, understands that it doesn't matter what's under the tree, but the love that you receive. Translation: you get interrogated at the grown-ups table like the other grown-ups. What is more, because society says that we should suck up and suffer this interrogation every year, people get upset if you are not going through it like they are. They are either so surprised that they ask awkward follow-up questions, or they give you some sad look and offer a fake invite to their home. *Le sigh.
 
The truth is, I'm not bitter, I'm economical. Flying during the Holidays costs too much. I'd also rather see my family in May, when potential blizzards won't render me stuck at home for an extra week, because I have things to do. It may sound harsh, but I'm not 8, so my family has things to do too- like take care of the current 8-yr-olds. I refuse to get sucked into this mode of being the purveyor of all things warm and fuzzy from November-February because I have a vagina. (I also enjoy cooking for others, but cooking for a bunch of other 20-somethings that just want to bring wine is a little less like home and a lot of work.) So here we are, my Holiday navigation tips: 


4) Volunteer. -Sure there are some families that volunteer to teach their kids some humility, but it will most likely be other single people who are able to serve others. It may even be a group of friends, and then you have instant drinking buddies afterward. Best case scenario, you cozy up next to the sexy 30-something angel investor who volunteers every year because he used to be homeless... Ok, so I watch too many movies. 

3) Party it up. -You are not the only single person roaming about for the Holidays. If/when you do start a family, do you think you'll be able to drink and dance to that popular DJ at the BEST CLUB EVER on Christmas Eve? Nope! In fact, just be Jewish.

2) Go shopping. -Not for other people silly, for yourself. Go and buy the things you need for the ultimate you hang-out session and stake out in your apartment until New Year's. Cook that Filet mignon, pour that Malbec, and curl up with some juicy books. Heck, pretend that you're Oprah in your living room. It may not come as a surprise, but I write like a true recluse.

1) Accept all the invites. -As they say, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Plan all of your answers to the typical questions before-hand. For example: Are you married/dating anyone? Well, I was but they told me I was too fat/skinny and left me for a Kardashian. You should also bring a bottle of wine, but literally eat and run. Accept no fewer than three invites per evening, so that you do not get stuck at anyone's dinner table. 

Feel free to inform people of your plans from one the above, or even all 4 when they ask. Obviously if you have amazing family that does not ask you where their grandbabbies/nieces/nephews are, then you can completely disregard this post. 

Now Go! Be free and merry, you single sexy thang you! 

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